The Geek's Other Side

One more night...

2012-02-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

... before Marc leaves. It will be a long time before I see him again (three months, at least). I'm so depressed, I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard to not think about it but I really can't help it.

At least this is not a permanent thing. Oh well, must stop this stupidity.

Friday the 13th

2012-01-12T18:22:00.000-08:00

At the start of the year, I told myself that my mantra for the entire year is Positivism, and that I should wake up each day with a positive attitude. Unfortunately, It has only been two weeks, and I'm already struggling like hell.

It's disappointing and frustrating at the same time when I'm trying soooo damn hard to stick to my mantra and ward off all the negative vibes, but I feel like a proton and attraction to negativity just seems so natural and effortless. This morning when I opened my mails, and I read the first email I got, my initial reaction was "Are you f*cking kidding me!?" But after a phone conversation and several more emails, I am now into the "I don't want to live in this planet anymore" mode.

Well, not entirely. But I just realized how bad I want to leave this hell hole. I've made my ultimatum two years ago that I will find myself a better job. But I'm just so f*cking unfortunate that I can't find one! Now I'm really depressed. I am lost. I don't know what to do except whine and cry about it.

Today is Friday the 13th. Is it just coincidence or my career has been so messed up that I can't "Undo" it anymore? This is not the place I imagined myself to be. I have only survived because I wanted to prove something. I take comfort in the fact that my stay here is because of my principles (and the travel perks). Am I missing something? Is there a disconnect?

I guess you just can't have it all. If my social life is such a blast, my career life is such a disaster. At least half of my life is still positive.

Yubear, I miss you!

2012-01-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

It has been a year. I lost a very special friend. He was the best trashtalker I've ever known, but he was also the most caring person beneath his facade. He listened when I wanted to talk, and he would snap me back to reality when I was on the verge of losing my senses. He was always there. Until last year.

Marc and I felt so devastated. He was like a brother to us (I would call him Sis, though). The people he left behind surely suffered a great loss. It was difficult for us, his friends, to accept, difficult to let go, and most difficult to move on. Eventually, Yubear's philosophies gave us the strength to move on. After all, he always had these grand principles and ideas that threw us off our seats. Haha.

It has been a year, and I miss him. Yes, he's not here. But I know he's just there, watching and waiting until the time when we can all be together, drinking and eating and chatting and laughing.

Here's the eulogy message I gave him last year. I just realized I haven't posted it yet.

Farewell Undergr0und/Metalingus!!! We'll miss you!

(Eulogy message 01/14/2011)

Gaya ng sabi ni Kim, nagsimula ang lahat sa Ragnarok. Sa online game na ito nabuo ang aming masayang tropa sa guild na Oracle. Naging close kami sa isa’t isa kahit hindi kami nagkikita sa totoong buhay dahil gabi-gabi kaming nagkikita Online. Nuong naisipan namin mag-Eyeball, lalo kaming naging close. Hindi lang kami magkakaibigan, pamilya ang turing naming sa isa’t isa. Ika nga ng lahat, “Oracle is not just a guild. It’s a family.” Naging tropa na rin kami in real life. One simple online game brought us together and changed our lives. At sa simpleng game na ito, nagkaroon kami ng chance na makilala ang isang Yuber.

Yuber has always been one of the pillars of support of the guild. Hindi dahil mayaman sya in game, hindi dahil maangas sya at malakas mag trashtalk, at lalong hindi dahil isa sya sa respetadong leaders ng guild. Naging ganito sya dahil mahal talaga nya ang guild at ang aming samahan ng buong puso. Kilala si Yuber bilang Kamay na Bakal sa mga members nya, Tanggero sa bawat inuman, at Chika Correspondent sa Chismisan. Sya ay naging Tatay-tatayan, naging Kapatid, naging best friend, at naging totoong ka-Tropa. Naging kasama sa masasaya at magugulong araw. Naging ka-debate tungkol sa religion, morality, anime, comics (Batman), at Love. Naging editor in chief. Naging travel buddy, from Baguio to Subic to Laguna to Cebu. Isa sya sa mga favorite kong kausap kasi marunong syang makinig at magaling sya magbigay ng advice: Lagi nyang sinasampal sa akin ang masakit na katotohanan kapag nahihibang na ako. At kahit palaging nakataas ang kilay nya, alam naming lahat na sa loob ay isang napaka-sweet at caring na tao.

Minahal sya ng lahat dahil minahal nya rin ang lahat.

Let me share with you some of the most memorable quotes from Yuber na nagpapakita kung gaano nya kami ka-mahal, mula sa Oracle Boards. Ito yung time na nagkaroon ng gulo:

Ang Oracle eh yung collective name ng mga members. Tropa ko na kayo in real life kahit na sa laro lang tayo nagkakilala. Mas matimbang yung friendship naten in real life. Dito tayo nagkakilala at marami tayong masasayang experiences at hinde na mabubura yon. Mas makapit pa yun kesa indelible ink.

So in closing, OO MERON PANG ORACLE. Buhay pa ako, buhay pa sina Derrick, Schyler, Natalie Patricia, Marcgwapings, Nico, Ralp, Carmcarm at kung sinu-sino pa. At hangga't yung bond naten in real life ay hindi napuputol, tropa pa rin tayo.

Yubs, iniwan mo man kami para sa kabilang buhay, I assure you na hindi pa rin mapuputol ang bond natin in real life. Ipagpapatuloy namin ang ideals mo at mananatiling pamilya ang Oracle. We will always cherish the friendship we shared. Wala man sila dito ngayon, iisa lang ang mensahe ng Oracle Family para sayo. Hindi ka namin malilimutan. We will miss you, and you will always be in our hearts. We will always cherish the memories: bonding, kulitan, inuman, seryosong usapan. Your life was short but you made a lot of people happy. Thank you for being a part of our lives. Watch and guide us from up there. We love you!

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012

2012-01-01T21:35:00.000-08:00

Another year has ended, and what a year it has been. I've lost a precious friend, but I have also gained quite a few. I've had my fair share of bad memories, but the good ones will always be close to my heart. I'm thankful for all the things that happened in 2011, and I don't regret any of them. I've had the chance to visit a lot of places -- from Batangas to Laguna to Cagayan de Oro (before it was rampaged by typhoon Sendong *sob*), to Camiguin and Davao, to Singapore, and the United States: Missouri and Las Vegas. I've attended several weddings, and witnessed a lot of friends add a little bundle to their own families. In just a span of one year, I saw how life unfolded. And it really is magic.

My Awesome 2011

As the new year enters, I was pondering on what my resolutions should be. I was never good at making resolutions AND keeping them. I remember during the past years, I told myself I'd quit online games. Lo and behold, I was playing again the next day haha. So instead, I thought I'll just come up with an empowering belief and hold on to it every single day of 2012. I hope I keep up with this until the end of the year. =)

Be Positive, Everything is Possible with the Lord.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-26T19:11:00.000-08:00

For some reason, this year's Christmas wasn't as jolly as I hoped it would be. Like last year, I celebrated Christmas away from my family and spent the Christmas eve and Christmas day with Marc's family. By now, I should have known what to expect, and that I already have an idea of how they celebrate. But instead I felt even more miserable. I wonder why...

I'm guessing it's because when we celebrate Christmas, we really go all out. My Mama always made it a point to have abundant food in our dining table. Even if we didn't have enough money, even if we were broke, Mama would make sure our dining table was literally overflowing with food. Yes we usually have a LOT of leftovers the next day, but I the symbolism there is that during Christmas, we are thankful for all the blessings.

Also we would be giving gifts and opening them during Christmas eve. That's where the party happens. At exactly 12 midnight, we would have a toast and we would go around and greet each other a Merry Christmas. After opening gifts, it's party time -- Videoke, drinking, etc.

I really miss my family, and the way we celebrate Christmas. I hope next year I get to spend the Holidays with them.

2011-12-17 Dream: Jason in Iloilo

2011-12-18T21:18:00.000-08:00

It was a very weird dream, that night right before going to our Dota Tropa Christmas party. =/ So here's how it went:

I decided to go back home to Iloilo and spend the holidays there with my family. Apparently, both my parents and my sister and Baps were spending the holidays in our humble home and once again we were complete as a family.

I was in my room, just after taking a shower and getting ready for bed when Susan, our housekeeper, knocked on the door and informed me that one of my friends was there to see me. I was expecting someone from my High School or Elementary days, but I was surprised to see Jason chatting with Tatay.

Jason was drunk, and he was laughing stupidly at the jokes he was sharing. Tatay wasn't even amused, but out of politeness, he simply pretended he was listening. When I came to join their one-sided conversation, I learned that Jason's wife left him, again, for the nth time. There, he broke down and cried like a baby.

And then I woke up.

I don't know if Jason and his wife are in good terms now, but from what I know, they've been having some problems recently. I hope things work out for them and that this Christmas season, they settle their differences and build harmony and happiness in their family.

The Greatest Man in My Life

2011-12-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

When I was four years old, I remember my first trip to Manila with Tatay. We were living in Iloilo back then, and going to Manila was already a big thing. Tatay gave me my first memories of riding a plane, of leaving Visayas, and of eating at McDonalds. When I came back to school, I had stories to tell -- and that was priceless. Ever since then, I have always looked forward to what new things I will discover or learn or experience from Tatay. And really, I was never disappointed. He taught me how to solve my first algebraic equation (with tears, of course). He made me appreciate music -- he bought me a small, 4-octave electronic keyboard and eventually my first guitar. He opened my eyes to the wonders of reading, drawing, and even carpentry and painting (I remember I used to really love painting our front gate). He also showed me the wonders of technology: the internet, gaming consoles -- Atari and the Family Computer and Nintendo SNES, and finally the PC.

Truth is, I think Tatay is one of the main reasons why I currently am hooked to video games and all the geek stuff. Whenever I watched him play his games, I would always marvel at how engrossed he is while playing. I'm thankful that he didn't seem to mind me watching, or asking questions every so often. I remember the first ever campaign game I finished was Dune 2, The Building of a Dynasty -- haha, how I loved those Sonic tanks! Then he introduced me to Sim City, Heroes of Might and Magic, Starcraft, Warcraft, Red Alert, and so on.

And of course, Tatay has always been my biggest influence when it comes to Star Wars addiction. I discovered the Star Wars universe when I saw Tatay's Vinyl record of the Star Wars soundtrack in one of our shelves. I think I have browsed its contents over a dozen times, I was really amazed at C3PO and R2D2 and lightsabers and The Force. I've seen the original trilogy a LOT of times and the hair at the back of my neck still tingles when I hear Darth Vader's iconic line "Luke, I am your father." Haha!

I'm really grateful that I was born and raised this way, and I really don't mind being called a geek. I am proud of my Tatay's influence because I have always looked up to him as one of my inspirations. I just hope that someday, I will be able to make him proud. After so many years, Tatay has been and always will be the greatest man in my life.

Happy Birthday Tatay!!

2011-11-08 Dream: Cheating and Giving Birth

2011-11-08T06:37:00.000-08:00

1st Dream: Cheating

I was in my room, dark and cold. The winds were howling and the skies were casting shadow and I remember just staying in my bed, curling up like a fetus beneath the blankets. I heard somebody call my name from outside. I mustered all the courage and strength I had to get up and look for the person calling out my name, only to be greeted by my landlady.

Apparently, I was working as a servant. And to my horror, I was a slave to my master's carnal obsessions. Right there and then, I understood that I was being summoned to please the master. I was not alone, though, the master had lots of servants that beckoned to his call. I was with another servant girl, and we both entered the room to do our duty. I trembled with fear, with guilt, and with the thought that something is not right. I belong to somebody else.

Right before my duty began, I saw Marc barging in -- shouting and cursing and telling me to stop. I cried as I ran to him, and he grabbed me by the hand and led me out.

But luck was simply not on our side. Just as we were about to leave, devilish creatures with bat-like wings and screams of fury started attacking my master's house. They were banging on the windows, forcing their way in. We managed to hold them off, but the windows weren't sturdy enough that some of them were able to get in.

One of the creatures' claws went straight through my chest. I felt numb, shocked, and absolutely terrified. The next thing I knew, the creatures were driven out by gunfire and weapons. They asked me if I was okay, and I answered that I never felt a thing. Was I even cut? And what happens next?

2nd Dream: Giving Birth

Dana and I were on our way to Divisoria to buy some stuff. We were on the MRT station when she suddenly asked to go back to Cubao. I thought she just wanted to buy some stuff in Cubao, so I told her we can definitely get what she wants in Divi for a much cheaper cost.

Then she stopped, and told me "My water just broke." She had to go back to Cubao because her midwife is there.

And so we rode the MRT back to Cubao (I know, taking the MRT was probably a baaaad idea but that's how my dream went). And upon entering the lay-in clinic, Dana immediately went into labor.

I was too scared to witness my friend giving birth so I just stayed outside to wait. When I tried to take a sneak peek of how things went, Marlyn was there already assisting. I felt relieved.

And then I woke up.

The Beginning

2011-10-11T01:54:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote this a few years ago, but I decided to post it again because the occasion calls for it. Last Sunday, Marc and I celebrated six (6) awesome years together. It has been a long journey, I know. We've been through a lot, and I'm sure there's more to come. But only a few people know how it actually began.

The Beginning

So I was asked by Erwin how Marc and I got together... and frankly, I found it hard to recall every tiny detail of how we ended up as "us." Anyway, I decided our story is something that needs to be in my journal so I'll always remember how we came to be. [NOTE: this is probably the CLOSEST tale of the actual event that I could write.... Actual lines may vary hahaha. Nung time na yun kasi parang nakalutang lang ako, can't remember the details.]

October 9, 2005 10-ish PM

On a cold, rainy Sunday, a few steps outside where I lived, he was fidgeting with his coins and hesitating with what to say. We were on our way home after attending Sunday mass and watching a movie, but something in his eyes told me he didn't want the night to end. Not yet.

Funny that the rain caught us snuggled under one umbrella. Thank God it was dark, he couldn't see how red my cheeks were. How I wished it would go on just like that for a bit longer. I didn't want the night to end. Not yet.

"Alis na ako," was all I could mutter in absolute stupidity.

"Okay," he agreed.

I smiled.

I turned to leave, but with a gush of courage, he held my hand and pulled me towards him.

"Pwede bang tayo na?", he asked as he looked into my eyes.

I was melting like ice cream, and I was blushing too much I could feel the blood rising to my cheeks.

"Bakit nanliligaw ka ba?" Again, absolute stupidity.

As if he were a popped balloon, he lowered his head and his entire body just as his energy was slowly being drained from his cells. I never asked how he felt that time, but it sure as hell made me feel so stupid.

"Uy joke lang. Oo. Oo." *Gasp* *Breathe* *Relief* *Pant Pant*

At last, the words came perfectly from my mouth. I was in love with the guy who was in love with me.

His eyes were lit, and his smile was sweet. His hand was warm, and the way he held my hand was just perfect. He embraced me with all of his sincerity, and kissed me on the nose to seal the relationship.

On a cold, rainy Sunday, just a few steps outside where I lived, our story began.

Marc and I celebrated our 6th year in Coron, Palawan. I felt that the trip was actually a metaphor for our journey -- rain or shine, ups or downs, thick or thin -- we're still together. It has been an adventure, but I'm still looking forward to many more adventures with him.

Dream: Going back to the past

2011-10-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

I actually had this dream last year, around June 2010...

I was overlooking a cliff, and a body of water. Right before the cliff ended, there was a small swimming pool about 50 meters in length and 25 meters in width. I was simply marveling at the calm sea right before my eyes, it was a sunny day, and the small islands floating on the sea exploded with greens and grass.

Suddenly, something stirred in the middle of the sea. It started out as a small dot, a small ripple amidst the calm waters. And the ripple slowly started to grow in size, until a small area of the sea looked as if it were boiling. Right in the middle, an eruption of water was about to occur, I can't even understand how that was possible.

A tsunami was about to occur.

For some weird reason, I did not flee or reach for higher grounds. Instead, I dove into the swimming pool. My logic back then was that the tsunami waves will sweep everything that comes its way. But since I'm with water, I will just go with the flow and not have to be swept away.

The tsunami did happen, and when I woke up, I was on a raft with a couple of girls. They were rowing the boat. It felt weird, the environment felt different, and the people seemed as if they were from another time. While the raft was passing the nearby houses and streets, I slowly realized that I am no longer in the present, but I have come to the past. The waters have changed the flow of time, and brought me back to the age of a hundred years ago. I am now in the past.

And then I woke up.

2011-09-17 Dream: I care for you

2011-09-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

My cousins and I went to one of the local malls, and since I know it's Marc's birthday, I wanted to get a cake for him. I decided to go by myself and look for a cakeshop, but I really couldn't find one. When I got to Frostings store, I saw my cousins there and Tito Jun. Might as well stay. And since there were cupcakes around, I thought I might give Marc a set of cupcakes instead. But unfortunately, it was very expensive, so I had to discard the thought.

While on our way outside, we bumped into several celebrities. I really couldn't remember who they were, but I was sure they were local celebrities. Edgar (I didn't realize he was with the pack) even stayed behind to have some pictures taken.

Then while we were near the exit, I saw SANDARA PARK! I think I might have freaked out, and asked my sister (I also didn't realize she was with the pack) to take a picture of Sandy and me using my Tab. She was such a noob with technology (haha) and we needed somebody else to take the picture. At one point, Sandy was drowned with all my cousins wanting to have a picture with her so she left abruptly haha.

Then, a shift to a new scene.

We were somewhere in Europe -- Me, Vergel (my team mate), and an Unknown Team mate for a business trip. The three of us were Filipinos in a foreign land and we were out sight seeing for the day.

The train we rode was very similar to the Hogwarts Express, and as we looked out the window, we could see the very nice structures and sceneries that the country offered. At one point, it seemed as if the train was flying. We could see the ocean beneath us, and there was a very particular structure that caught my eye.

The structure was a bamboo-made pillar with a jumping board at the end. I don't know what its purpose is, but I've seen it somewhere. I know I've seen it before, but I don't know when and why.

We decided to go back to our rooms to get some rest, and there I found that Unknown's girlfriend was there waiting. Apparently, she tagged along with their other friends. Our room was a bit crowded, and I really wanted to sleep so bad so I just settled on one of the couches and tried to take a nap.

While I was sitting, Unknown sat beside me, and his girlfriend sat across him -- apparently watching us. Vergel was making old, corny jokes as usual haha. I was already closing my eyes and almost off to dreamland, when Unknown gently stroked my hair. I opened my eyes and he was there, just beside me looking at me while stroking my hair.

"Just close your eyes and rest," he said.

And I did what he told me to. It was weird and awkward especially with his girlfriend looking at us, but I tried to shrug it off. Unfortunately, Unknown's girlfriend's friends were making too much noise and apparently my irritation showed on my brows.

Unknown slowly kissed my left eye, and then my right, and whispered, "I really care for you." Butterflies were flying around in my stomach, but I didn't feel any guilt or shock or anger. I even felt kilig.

And then I woke up.

Waah what does this even mean!?!?

I guess even in my dreams, I still remember Marc's birthday. And my admiration for Sandara. But what bothers me is the bamboo pillar -- it's not the first time I've seen it. And again there's water... What does it signify? Do I need to take a risk?

And who is Unknown? I can remember his face, and it's not a face I haven't seen. The face is familiar but I don't know to whom it belongs to. Is this going to be a bump in the road?

Thoughts on Girls Making the First Move

2011-08-31T20:52:00.000-07:00

I think I wrote this a couple of years ago. It still amuses me when I'm reading this. Such idealistic thoughts I had.

If you're a girl in love with your guy friend, will you have the courage tell him how you feel about him? This question has been around for God knows when, and its answer has always been a debate. For some, it's absolutely out of the question. A girl must not make the first move and must not be aggressive, period. Why? Because it's a turn off for some guys, and it attaches the "Bitch" sign on her forehead. We Filipinas have always prided ourselves with the Maria Clara attitude, girls are meant to be serenaded. For other people, it's a matter of weighing the situation. If there's a probability that the guy also likes the girl, then it's totally okay to make the first move. After all, you're just "responding" to the signals he's giving. If the guy, however, isn't showing any interest in you, then better drop it or risk your own humiliation. Either way, you're playing safe. Finally, for some, making the first move is definitely the way to go. Some people think they've got to fight for the person they love. Some people believe in No Guts, No Glory. And some guys actually like girls with the confidence to initiate things.

So what will it be?

I'm the conservative and feminist type so I don't believe in making the first move. It simply defeats the purpose of being a girl. Girls should be courted, swooned over, pleased, and wooed and not the other way around. Funny though, because I don't believe in courtship, so what I'm saying doesn't actually make sense. LOL.

But I do believe in magic (haha how cheesy!). If the love is genuine, then the magic will find a way to bridge the hearts of the two people deserving to be with each other.

2011-08-29 Dream: Singapore

2011-08-28T23:41:00.000-07:00

This morning I had a dream about being in Singapore. Here's how it went:

Scene 1: Marc leaving for Singapore

For some reason, Marc has again decided to look for a job in Singapore. He again resigned from his current job and flew to Singapore to try his luck. The first scene was in the airport, and I was with him as he checked in. I remember giving him a lot of reminders -- to not make it obvious that he's going there to look for a job, but make it seem as if he will be visiting his friends and have a grand vacation. Fortunately, he was able to make it beyond the immigration area and I watched his back fade away as he went to the boarding gates.

Then the next thing I knew, I was also in line for check in for a flight to Singapore. I wanted to be on the same flight as Marc's, but I think I wasn't able to book the same flight. What's worse, I didn't have my passport with me but the check-in counters didn't seem to mind. And so I found myself on a plane headed to Singapore without anything, just some cash and a credit card and a phone. I immediately called my good friends Jun and Gigi and asked them if I could stay with them for a while, and luckily they agreed.

Scene 2: In Singapore

So I was in Jun's and Gigi's pad trying to figure out what to do next. Jun and Gigi were so proud of the newly-bought dining set they had. The table was made of glass, and the chairs were colored white. I was still worried about how I'll be going back home: I have no money, I have no passport, and I don't have a ticket back.

Anyway, I couldn't contact Marc because I didn't know his SG mobile number. I also didn't bring my laptop so I couldn't use the internet to send him a message. I was pretty lost, and I remember being outside the building just looking at the streets with thoughts of finding Marc racing in my mind.

When I got back to Jun and Gigi's pad, the furniture was a bit different. There I found Jun assembling his griller, I think he was about to make some satays. The dining set was different from this morning's, and I even remember telling him "Wow ang special ko naman, nagpalit ka pa talaga ng gamit." Hahaha. Gigi was preparing meals I guess, but I never really got to eat any of them...

Scene 3: At the beach

Not Sentosa, mind you. I think it was somewhere in Oton, Iloilo hahaha. I found myself at the beach. Marc was there, Jun and Gigi were there, even some familiar faces -- Karen Joy, Norms and Alega, and even Edu (the boy from my neighborhood). There was a small non-mechanical "boat" that rests on the rocks and sways with the waves. This boat could only accommodate a certain number of people, and I decided that since I could swim, I'll just stay outside.

While the rocks and the waves were swaying, Norms suddenly fell off the rhythm and was being engulfed by the waters. Immediately I grabbed him up to help him breathe, and I even asked him "Okay ka lang, Norms?" That moment was magical. I felt like a hero, a life saver, a saint. But that only lasted for a while because things got back to normal after the incident.

While outside, I saw Edu holding a floating ball, and I guess he was using it as his floater. I decided to look for one myself, and Karen and Gigi went with me. We were on a playplace and there were lots of toys there, including possible floaters. Unfortunately when I asked Edu which of those we could borrow, he said none. Gigi was talking about making Laksa for us, and Karen and I just got excited over the thought. After the beach, we would be going home for some nice Laksa soup for dinner.

Unfortunately, when we got back to where the others were, they were already packing. Without us, they decided to change the venue and travel to Bataan and spend the rest of the night there. Karen, Gigi, and I were shocked, because we had already planned on having some Laksa after this. We insisted that we'd have no time if we go to Bataan, but they all reasoned that the next trip going there is at 8PM (It was only 6PM then), and it will be back by 8AM the next day -- just in time for work.

Karen and Gigi had some arguments about what to do. Gigi really wanted to make the Laksa, and I could tell that she wanted us to taste it. I decided I won't be going to Bataan. I asked Marc if he can stay with me, but he said that he has already paid for the trip and that he wanted to go. So he and I also had an argument. Everyone was having arguments by the end of the day.

And then I woke up.

2011-08-22 Dream: Bridesmaid

2011-08-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

Last night, I dreamt about being a bridesmaid, but I don' know whose wedding it was. My dream was too hazy and too unclear to remember, but I'm pretty sure that we (me with the other bridesmaids) were with the dressmaker receiving the finished gowns. The color was gold, with a touch of sequins and blue green for the secondary sponsors. I forgot what happened after LOL.

I hope this doesn't mean I'll forever be the bridesmaid, never the bride. =(

Anyway, let me just share with you what I wrote four years ago. It's about Dreams and the Multiverse, written 9/24/07.

Dreams and the multiverse

Earlier while preparing for work, I couldn't remember the dream I had right before I woke up that morning. I could see snapshots and images from my dream, but I couldn't tell exactly what it was about, or who were the people involved. Then that got me thinking: they say dreams are reflections of what our subconsciousness is like, that dreams are our inner desires or fears or anxieties or passions.

But what if... dreams are actually snapshots of what's happening in parallel dimensions? Weird thought, huh? I got the idea from one of my favorite anime, Full Metal Alchemist, wherein the earth has a parallel universe with the same natural laws, it's just that one universe focused on Science and Technology, while the other on Alchemy.

In our case, what if the dreams we have is a view of what the parallel universe is like? What if the things that are happening in our dreams are the actual events that take place in the other dimension? What if the dreams that are windows to the soul are actually windows to the other side of the galaxy -- where our other self lives? What if dreams are actually the key to solving one of the biggest theories of all time: the Multiverse?

I have always been a fan of the MULTIVERSE -- a set of multiple possible universes that comprise all of physical reality. I do not reject the possibility of having another me, another earth, another solar system, another universe in another space and time. Space and time are unfathomable entities that cannot be fully quantified by man, nor the smartest supercomputer there is. Clearly we cannot limit the universe to just OUR universe because who knows, there might be other dimensions out there. The question is, how far should we go to search for answers to these mysteries?

The Filipino Attitude

2011-08-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

I wrote this 3 years ago (April 16, 2008).

I always believed that Filipinos have this "opportunist" attitude. By "opportunist," I mean they always seem to be very aggressive in every circumstance that would probably be beneficial to them. Sometimes this is what I call the "this-may-be-good-for-me-therefore-I-should-grab-this-opportunity" attitude.Well anyway, who wouldn't? But what sets the Filipino apart from all the other races is the MEANS to get what they want. Some people break their moral and ethical standards, or even go as far as breaking the law just to grab that "wonderful" opportunity in front of them.

Let me give you an example. This morning on my way to work at the MRT station, there were only 2 ticket booths open. Because of the large number of people wanting to buy MRT passes, a long line started to form. Then suddenly, the third ticket booth opened. I was on my way to the third booth (tinawag ako nung babae, "Miss dito na po"), and I was about to give her my money, but there was this guy who just arrived at the station and who suddenly ran in front of me and gave his bills to the lady. What an ass. See the attitude there? He saw the small space between my bill and the ticket booth lady and grabbed the opportunity of buying first instead of me, even if it meant totally disregarding the people who have already been in line for a couple of minutes.

This morning, I finally realized why only Filipinos are like this. My answer is that, we are in a country where people are not given equal opportunities. And so with that, people find ways and means to grab every opportunity that comes their way, because they might not get that chance again. In other countries, everyone has equal opportunities. They don't have to be so aggressive and disregard their ethics because they know that they will have a fair share of what's there. When I was in the States and in Singapore, people calmly line up and wait for transportation to arrive, because they know that the next bus or the next train or the next taxi will be there in a few minutes. Here in Manila, you'd have to push your way to the swarm of people just to get in front of the line.

Hay Buhay.

2011-08-15 Dream: At Home

2011-08-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

This morning I dreamt I was in Iloilo, with my sister, Mama, Tatay, Lynlyn, Lola Ning, and another house help. She looked a lot like Lisa (Choi's ex) haha. Anyway, one day I was so tired of work that I immediately went to bed. But while I was about to reach dreamland, Tonne (my sister) knocked on my door and told me I had guests waiting outside. Two of them were from Emerson, and one from my college years. I told Tonne to deal with the guests and keep them company because I really need to sleep.

Tonne did as she was told, I could hear her talking to the guests outside from my room. I could even hear their conversations about some television program. But there came a point where they got bored, I guess, and Tonne decided to play some music instead. She and Lyn got so bored with my guests that they decided to dance to the beat of the music (I think she and Lyn were about 14 years old in my dream).

When I heard them say they will dance, I got up and yelled at her for not being a good host. How can she not take care of my guests. And as I got out of my room, I saw Eps, Mike M, and Dabaw all looking at me with a "Hooray-She's-Out" look. So there I was, I couldn't go back to bed now. While I was going out to meet them, I saw outside Mama talking to Ja. So I guess that makes 4 guests now.

I don't really know why they came to visit me in Iloilo, but Eps and Mike brought Andok's chicken. We decided to have dinner there instead. Also when I went to the living room area, I also saw Rommel was there, Marc, Alega and Alps. They were all huddled in the living room. I thought, why not have an overnight LAN party, just like the old times.

I asked Mama if she'll allow it, and she did but I still needed to get Tatay's permission. When I asked Tatay, he said "No, they are freeloaders" with a stern look on his face. Hahaha. Mike was near us and overheard Tatay's comment, and he immediately reasoned "Sir we brought food." begged Tatay to allow us, so reluctantly he agreed.

I looked for foams and pillows, as well as bed sheets and pillow sheets. I also went to the kitchen to help prepare food. Mama cooked her famous pasta. Also since Dabaw and Ja brought pork liempo, Mama decided to add a special sauce to it. I was preparing the sauce, and asked her if this was okay. But she said, "No, get some Schublig and add it there" (Schublig is a kind of sausage). Lisa and Tonne and Lyn and Lola Ning were helping prepare the food.

When everything was prepared, she asked me, "Is the food enough?" I told her, yes, it will be enough, but it will be consumed as soon as you put it in the table. True enough, when the food was ready, it only took a blink of an eye before it's all gone. My guests were THAT hungry.

So we decided to go outside and take a stroll. Unfortunately, Eps and Mike and Ja and Rommel stayed behind because they wanted to play Dota. Haha. I remember holding Marc's hand as we went to the plaza. I even took my camera out to take some pictures.

But when we went back, I saw Eps and Mike leaving. The foams and bedsheets were also not there anymore. So I asked what was going on? Are we not going to have the LAN party anymore? I forgot who it was who approached me, but he said "Your tatay told us to go home." Whaaat? I thought he agreed.

I was about to go to Tatay's room, when Mama met me and told me to stop. I asked her why the sudden change? She was stuttering, and she couldn't get the words out of her mouth, but when finally she was able to speak, tears were flowing from her eyes. "Your tatay doesn't want freeloaders. Especially now that he has seen how hungry they were." I cried along with her and we hugged.

And then I woke up.

2011-08-14 Dream: Hide and Seek

2011-08-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

I was walking around the grounds of my Alma Mater -- where I studied from the age of 4 to the age of 12. One minute, we were in a classroom, listening to some story. And the next, we were outside the corridors. I couldn't remember who the people around me were, but it was a crowded school and people were just walking around doing their own thing.

And I couldn't really explained what happened next, but I was wearing a hooded garment, feeling the need to hide from something, or someone. The problem with hiding is that my eyes were glowing, and no matter where I hid, my eyes still shone and "They" will still be able to find me. I don't know who They are, but I know they're looking for me--or us. I think we are a group being hunted, but for what reason, I don't know.

So I came upon a small wooden bridge with lots of boxes scattered, and I decided I should hide there in the meantime. However, while I was about to settle down on one of the boxes, there was already another "brother" hiding there. He was the same as me, being hunted, hiding from Them. I asked him why I wasn't able to see the glow in his eyes, when he's the same as me. And he told me, "Just cover your eyes with your hands, the glow won't be seen." Right, common sense.

Since the bridge was his territory, I decided to look for another hiding place. As I walked up to one of the corridors, I saw another "brother," but there was something different in him. His eyes weren't glowing at all. He had the hood, and he was also fleeing from something, but he wasn't really one of us. Then I realized that "brother" was Choi, he had a weird walk, not the frightened walk that I had, but more like gliding. He was gliding, with hips swaying from side to side. He walked right past me, not seeing my shining eyes.

And then I woke up.

[Note: Bakit ba laging nasa paniginip ko si Choi? Hahaha.]

2011-08-11 Dream: Hysteria

2011-08-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

I was at home, in Iloilo. But home didn't look the way I remembered it to be. What used to be Mama's garden has been turned into concrete bleachers and a big parking lot. Our front yard wasn't as big as that, but I knew that I was home.

There were a lot of people at home, and I couldn't remember all their faces. There was a group hanging out at the veranda, but I couldn't remember what they were doing and why they were there. There was also a group of people staying at the concrete bleachers, and a buffet meal was set up.

I was taking pictures of people at the veranda. I think I remember my officemate from before, Mike. His hair was getting some pampering service from the "oldies" (I couldn't remember their faces but I know they were in their late 40's. I went to the bleachers area to take some pictures as well, but it was a rowdy crowd and everyone was just hyper.

Somebody invited me to grab a meal, but I just couldn't remember who it was. I was about to walk to the buffet area, when suddenly people started fainting. As if watching a "Wave" from the crowd, people were dropping lifeless one by one. The sight terrified me, and I tried my best to run towards the veranda.

But upon reaching the veranda, the scent of ammonia overwhelmed my senses, and I found myself unable to function. I vividly felt how each cell in my body decided not to function. And the next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor, trying to talk. I mustered all my strength to tell them what's happening, but all that came out of my mouth was a faint shout of "HYSTERIA, HYSTERIA."

Then to my horror, people at the veranda also started fainting. What the heck was happening? I couldn't understand. The things you don't know are really more terrifying than the things you know.

After a few minutes, I woke up, groggy and exhausted to the smell of... batteries? There I found my officemate, Choi, in a long, black trench coat, holding the cover of a C battery near my nose. He did the same for the others near me, and we all woke up in a dreamy, ethereal state.

After the incident, Choi explained that one of the members of the group didn't want to show himself when he arrived, so he knocked everyone out. He likes to keep a low profile and wants to be isolated most of the time. I couldn't remember who that member was, but I am 80% sure it was my high school friend, Jono.

And then, I woke up.

[NOTE: The part where Jono came and knocked everyone out to avoid being seen kind of reminds me of Mystogan from Fairy Tail. Haha.

I also I love how Choi looked, parang The Matrix, pero parang yung character sa Gumiho na director hahaha!

Also: does ammonia really knock you out? And will the smell of batteries bring you back to your senses!?!]

Nice Guys

2011-08-09T21:24:00.001-07:00

I was reading my old blog and found a wonderful post. Quite timely actually, since I wrote this four years ago (August 8, 2007), and Marc and I celebrated our 70th monthsary yesterday. How mushy I was back then!

I found this mushy post on Marvin's bulletin about how good guys (good is relative) are a dying breed. One of the lines that caught my attention in the post is that: "Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore... And because of this, there are not many left out there..." Quite true, but then again, who are we to say if a guy is nice and a guy is not? Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that some of the nice guy "symptoms" are very applicable to my Marc. It's not that I'm boasting about him, it's just that I get this dreamy smile whenever I remember the things that he does or does not. :)
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her. He doesn't drive. He walks and commutes. But the point is, whenever I need him, he's not only there, he's actually here.

To every guy that cried in front of her. Just because it hurts for him to see me in pain. And it hurts for him when he hurts me.

To every guy that she cried in front of. He soothes my pain, but slaps me back to reality.

To every guy that holds hands with her. It's that touch that makes all the difference - the touch that signifies I have you and you have me.

To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all. A simple hug can take the stress, pain, delusions, anger, and hurt away. He does that just because... but he doesn't know his timing is always perfect.

To every guy who would give their jacket up for her. He gives up his jacket so I can hug him. Hehehe.

To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe. He doesn't just call. He walks me to where I live.

To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes. Despite my habit of always ending up late and his habit of always finishing things earlier than expected, he'll patiently wait for me for a 30-minute lunch.

To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what. I'm not insecure, but sometimes things get to your head because of your environment. But he's just there to keep you going.
I've gotten mushy again. Haha, oh well.

Dreams

2011-08-09T19:55:00.000-07:00

Last night, Marc and I were discussing about dreams. I've had a lot of dreams in the past, most of them interesting and clever, in my opinion. I kept on telling him how cool my dreams always are, and he said, "Why not write them down?"

So yeah, I kind of figured out that it would really be a great idea to write down what happens in my dreams. It's very rare to remember dreams upon waking up, but surprisingly, all my dreams have been very vivid that up to now, I can still remember the interesting ones I've dreamt of in the past.

We also looked up a dream dictionary online, but what I saw there just scared me. If I were to interpret all those dreams based on the dream dictionary, I would probably be called an insecure, scared-out-of-my-wits, depressed individual. Haha. I don't want to dwell on that because it will make me all the more paranoid.

I guess that means I'll have to note all the dreams I've had, and I will have. If anyone can interpret them, please feel free to do so. I wouldn't mind knowing what my subconscious state is.

:)

On Being a Kid

2011-04-10T20:09:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when you're caught in a mudpool of problems, anxieties and worries, insecurities, and you just can't seem to be happy, you wish you could turn back time and go back to being your carefree, worry-free self when you were a kid. Kids don't have problems, they don't give a damn. They commit mistakes, but heck, they're not punished.. they're just kids. They're not fully aware of the consequences.

But at this age, when everybody thinks you're responsible, when everybody thinks you're mature, when everybody thinks you know what you're doing, a simple single mistake can mean a thousand punishments. Committing one mistake is like taking away the engine of an airplane... the plane just crashes. And who is responsible for the mistake? You are.. because you're already old enough to know what you should be doing, and you didn't even think of what might happen next. How do you fix the mess you've made? How can you show yourself to everybody who thinks highly of you, when you have nothing to show but a stained self?

Gender Issues

2011-03-24T01:43:00.001-07:00

Written: 6-11-06

Is gender an issue when it comes to having a relationship? I used to think that relationships were made becuase of one sole purpose: procreation.

Now, I have changed my beliefs. Relationships were made because of love, and love knows no gender. Why stop yourself from falling in love with someone of the same sex just because you won't be able to multiply? Love is our ultimate end. And in love, it doesn't matter wether you are loving someone from the opposite or not. In love, you just give yourself to another person whole heartedly.

On Missing Someone

2011-03-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

How do you stop yourself from missing somebody so much?

Cheesy as it may sound, sometimes I find myself floating in the sweet memories of those amazing moments I've spent with the people close to my heart. Intoxicating, overwhelming, and breathtaking. And in those very rare, but wonderful moments, I just wish they were close.. So I can hug them, play with them, tell them how much they mean to me, and let them feel how much they are loved. It's weird how time, distance, and communication can create holes in your life and make you yearn for some things that aren't really there. And it's weird how I'm missing my family, my friends, and puffy for the past few days. I miss them so much that it's killing me. And there's nothing I can do about it because they have their own paths to walk. :(

On Love

2011-02-24T01:50:00.001-08:00

Written: 05-10-2006

Sometimes we need to look at love from a different perspective instead of just looking at it from the I point of view. Sometimes we think, "YOU should be worthy of ME." But we fail to ask, "Am I worthy of YOU?" The world does not revolve around the I. Things will not change for the I. But the I can change to be the perfect person for the U. =)

On Love and Bitterness

2010-08-23T01:47:00.000-07:00

Written: 8-1-06

Both of my female officemates have been, let's just say, not so lucky in finding their so-called love. One of them was left behind without a clue after 8 years together. The other one was told to move on after just two months. It's amazing how love can be so tragic sometimes... It can take years, but it can also take just months before we realize that "Hey, this guy's just not the one for me."

I can't blame them for being bitter, though. After all, they were caught off guard during the "big day." They never thought it would happen, they weren't expecting it to happen, but it did. So now the big question pops in their minds: who's fault was it?

Sometimes they can't help think that it might be their fault. Didn't they give enough? Did they do something wrong? But after a horde of those tears of self pity, comes the bitterness. Now with a total twist of their emotions, every ounce of pity was turned into hate. Burning hatred for the men who left them, who broke their heart, who made them cry.

And now I think to myself, does it have to be anybody's fault if the relationship goes wrong?

It took me almost a day to figure things out for myself. But, I guess I've come up with something. Why does a relationship not work the way we expected it to be? It all depends on the three factors: God, Love, and Work.

God. First and foremost, I always believe that a relationship exists always with God's intervention. God creates relationships.. It is up to us to make it work. Probably I can best attest to this... because before I met Puffy, I've always been asking for His help: "Dear God, I'm so full of loving myself, and I want somebody share my love to." Surprisingly, in His mysterious ways (and in several twists of fate), I've found the guy who makes me love him more everyday.

Love. Relationships that aren't built on love aren't bound to last. If you don't love a person that much, there's no point in going into a relationship. Relationships are supposed to be channels where we share love, and grow in that love. If there's no love, how do we find the patience, the understanding, the honesty in each other? How do we learn to humble ourselves and accept each other for who we really are? Love makes us be more of who we are. And that's what we need to stay in the relationship.

Work. Well, sometimes Love just ain't enough. Love moves us to do things. Work makes us do those things. Love inspires, work actualizes. It requires a lot of effort from the couple to keep the love alive. And to do that, it needs a lot of work. It's not true that love dies... It's just that there isn't enough work from the couple to keep the love burning.

With Strings Attached

2010-03-08T00:08:00.000-08:00

Written: 01-16-2008

Sometimes, things just don't work the way you planned them to be. Sometimes you fall in love helplessly, only to find out you've fallen out of love instantly. Whether by choice or by chance, it doesn't matter what the reason is. All you know is that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with the person you thought would always be The One. And the grueling task of waiting and finding The Right One will shock you, haunt you, and exhaust you.

Finding the right one is difficult. You go on blind dates, speed dates, bars, and crowded places to broaden your chances of finding the one who will complement you. With no strings attached, it can be tolerable. With strings attached, it can be horrible.

A man after breaking up with his girlfriend can move on without giving a damn about his ex. He could care less about her activities... Unless of course she stalks her or he is still obsessed with him. However, a married man cannot just go into another relationship without considering his wife. You can't replace something that is still in place. You can't be a wife because of THE wife. With the sacrament still intact, women are cautious because either they get scared of being the third party, or mad at being just the second. Despite the guy's arrangement with his wife that they live separately, any other woman who gets into a relationship with him will still legally be labeled as the "kabit or kerida."

Now imagine that, plus the man has kids. Won't that make everything much more complicated?

Some women are content with being the second woman in his life. Some aren't. Is it because of love that they can swallow being the second woman in his life? Is it magic?

Making the choice between listening to your heart and listening to what society says will drive you mad. But sometimes, it's better to listen to your head and decide what the most reasonable thing to do is. It's not a matter of what you feel or how happy you are. Sometimes it simply is a matter of doing what's right.

If a married/separated guy asks me out, I think I'd probably dump him in an instant.

First Heartache

2010-01-17T19:33:00.000-08:00

I used to be in love with this guy, and I seriously thought he'd be The One. He'd call me up everyday, and the conversation would last for an hour or two. He'd text me whenever he was about to sleep, and right after he woke up. He'd let me know where he was, and who he was with. He'd call me while he's driving, just because he wanted to know how my day was. He'd take me out whenever he was in town, and we'd always talk until the wee hours of the morning. His ideas and principles on life, love, leadership and just about anything were so enchanting that I couldn't stop myself from falling.

I really thought he liked me as much as I liked him.

Until one day, he just stopped. No phone calls, no text messages, no YM messages, no nothing. It's as if he became a complete stranger... Was I too hard-headed? Or was I giving him the wrong signals?

I never had the courage to ask why. The only fighting spirit I had in me was to tell him how I felt, hoping he might come back. That was the first time I've told someone I liked him.

Well, he didn't. He didn't even say anything. And I never heard from him again.

Now that I think about it, this guy gave me my first heartache. It was tough at first, but I'm grateful to my addiction to online gaming that I was able to get through. Being a gamer does have it's advantages, sometimes. :)

Actually, now that I really think about it, this guy might have dumped me because of Dota! All our phone conversations ended with "Sige, talk to you later. Dota muna kami." He'd even cut short our conversation when his friends invite him to play. And I just couldn't disturb him at all whenever he's playing.

Now why do I love Dota so much when it actually broke my heart a few years ago? I really should move on. Really.

Ultimatum

2009-10-06T22:58:00.000-07:00

When I was in Grade 5, I was asked as a member of the ushering team to attend the Graduation Ceremony of the graduating batch. In that ceremony, the Honorable Mentions and the Salutatorian and Valedictorian were asked to come up the stage and receive their awards with their parents. Only those chosen few got that chance.

I didn't know what the Honor system was that time, but I thought back then how it'd be cool to go up the stage with your parents.

On the way home, I told my parents what happened during the ceremony. I was so enthusiastic about the idea of having to go up the stage. I don't know if it was vanity or pride that made me feel that way. But it was enough to motivate me to do what I can to become one of those chosen few.

"Next year, you will see me on that stage." That was my ultimatum.

I actually made that ultimatum happen. I was one of the chosen few, and I was able to come up the stage with my parents to receive my award. At that moment, I have proven to myself and to my parents that I stay true to my words. I do what I say. I act what I speak.

But as the years go by, I have lost my capacity to declare an ultimatum. Maybe because I'm doubting myself, or what I can do. Or maybe I was too innocent and naive... Or maybe I'm just a coward.

But it's time to change things. It's time to take control of my life, and not just wait for it to happen. I've been apathetic and complacent for too long. It's time to risk what I have and take a leap of faith.

Next year, I will find a better job. That is my ultimatum.

Sweet Silence

2009-09-07T23:02:00.000-07:00

Written: July 18, 2006 3:35 pm

The moment I open my eyes to greet the loving embrace of the sunlit morn, my heart explodes with wondrous joy as I think of your smile, your touch, your whisper. I cannot comprehend the complexity of the way I feel when I'm with... or without you. In every day that the sun warms the earth, in every star that dances across the sky, in every ocean that sooths my soul, I am alive and you alive in me. I have never known peace until I heard the sweet silence in your breaths. I have never known trust until your tight embrace. I have never known love until your gentle kiss.

The moment I open my eyes, I love you once more.

Women are Reverse Psychologists

2009-08-16T18:59:00.001-07:00

What is it with women and the I-say-this-but-I-really-mean-this attitude? I'm asking this because I'm guilty of "saying something but really meaning another." Sometimes I tell people I'm okay, when in fact I'm miserable, or that I hate them, when in fact I can't live without them. It's a real pain in the neck, but it's something so natural that it has become a part of my everyday interaction with people. Other women I know are also guilty of this attitude: saying NO when they really mean YES, or agreeing to something they totally loathe. Why do we do this?

Maybe it's our way of telling people something that we don't want them to know directly. (Labo noh?) We sort of give hints, hoping that they'll figure it out themselves. For instance, we tell our boyfriends that it's okay for them to go out with their buddies, but in our minds we're wishing that they'd go out with us instead. Subtle hints that don't really work! And more often than not, we end up fighting and nagkakatampuhan. Hahaha so why do we keep on doing this?

I don't know! I guess it's one of those mysteries of being a woman.

Men Will Always Be Men

2009-08-05T19:01:00.000-07:00

Whatever happens, men will always be men. No matter how good they claim themselves to be, there will always be an inner devil that lurks in their souls. Yes, ladies, despite how many times your guy tells you how he's into you, there will always come a time when temptation will overpower him and will let him submit to his carnal desires. I'm not saying this because I experienced it first handedly (although I'm hoping I don't). I'm saying this because that's just the way men are. They're... carnal by nature, and there's nothing we can do to change that fact.

I know, it's such an overwhelming statement. But based on the stories of good friends, based on my conversations with my guy friends, and even based on what my boyfriend had to say, I can safely assume that this is the nature of the male species.

According to them, the carnal instincts strike them whenever and wherever. Usually there's no control over it. And the "feeling" actually heightens with the cold weather (seriously!?). If they get horny right there and then, what do they do to vent if off? Well, some of them just shrug it off. Others go into fantasy land with the first woman with boobs and booty they could see. Still others let it out by flirting, and if the woman flirts back, then it's jackpot.

And what are their thoughts on One-Night-Stands? "It's okay as long as the girl you're with is hot." Just as long as both of you agree that what happens that one night remains in that one night, and you both agree that let's-forget-about-everything-tomorrow, then why not? After all, it's just one night of pure pleasure. Nothing personal.

So for all you ladies out there, better accept the fact that your guy will always be a guy, and that means there is a high probability that he will indulge and succumb to his carnal desires. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It simply means he's a man and he has needs that you can't satisfy. Unless of course you've set certain rules for your relationship.

Written: 10-15-2007

When Do We Fall in Love?

2008-08-04T01:32:00.000-07:00

When do we know that we are actually in love with a person?

I always believed that falling in love is like being shot by a gun; it takes you suddenly without knowing how, or when, or why the heck it even happened. It grasps your heart so quickly that you just wake up one morning and, as if you were hit in the head, you actually know that you are in love.

But that's absolutely absurd! You *can't* just wake up and know that you're in love in an instant. Love is such a heavy emotion that you can't get yourself to feel it just like that! How can you stop the world in a split second, just to tell yourself that you are in love? When do we know when we are in love?

Honestly, I don't know either. Do you?

Manipulative People

2008-06-17T00:26:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how some people have the power to turn things around to go their way. Call it charm, cunningness, or simply persuasion, but this ability is most often used by people who always take advantage of everything that comes their way. Ethical or unethical.

It's like giving somebody a candy, and ending up with your candy stash being stolen. Or lending somebody cash, and ending up bankrupt while the other one gets millions. It's also like showing mercy, and ending up being a fool.

I hate it when some people take advantage of good and kind-hearted individuals. I hate it when they twist the lies to become the truth. And I hate it when they make good use of their drama lessons to get your sympathy and exploit your trust. Those people should be banished to the ends of the milky way galaxy where black holes can suck their dirty asses (or in some cases, their ultra-long chins). And it's a big mistake just getting acquainted with them, even more, having people like them in your team.

But the biggest mistake ever (or maybe the biggest act of stupidity that the universe has ever known) is finding out the true nature of those persons, partially doing something about it (like kicking them off of your team), and then backing out on your decision. That means you ended up where you started. It also means you just swallowed what you just threw up (yes, that's totally gross). And finally it also means that you've just been manipulated again and that you are one stupid son of (whatever).

Such.

Scrapbooks

2008-06-10T00:25:00.000-07:00

Scrapbooks are often used to preserve memories or family history using photographs, printed media, and other memorabilia. The scrapbook is a piece of our memory, a one of a kind treasure that we may never obtain again in this lifetime.

I used to love making scrapbooks because it meant that I had something important to treasure. I looked forward to gathering my materials: from photos, to magazine cut-outs, to strings and ribbons, and so on. But now that scrapbooks are used as parting gifts, I actually dread making one, or signing one.

More than that, I actually dread the thought of people leaving...

Heartbroken Kid

2007-10-26T01:29:00.000-07:00

Dude, just because you're heartbroken, it doesn't give you the right to bitch about it.

Yes, we understand how you feel. How you've been in the dumps, how you've been hurt. We saw you cry, throw endless curses at him, and get crazy over what has happened between you. We've been there with you, and we still are.

But don't you take us for granted. We're here to help you recover, we've been patient with your constant rants. We've put up with your insecurities and illogical claims, and we've supported your being unreasonable. We want you to let it all out, cry it all out, and release all the negative energy that's balled up inside of you. And then you can recover, you can finally move on.

Now just because we have our own personal lives to take care of and we can't accompany you to whatever whims you're submitting yourself to, doesn't mean we care any less. It simply means we have our own lives, and there are other people who need us and our attention.

So don't go bitching about being heartbroken. It's not like you're the only one with that kind of problem. Stop acting like a kid and ditch us just like that because you're getting on my nerves already.

Nothing But The Truth

2007-08-03T01:30:00.000-07:00

We've always heard the classic quotes: Honesty is the best policy. The truth will set you free. Honest to Goodness. But the fact is, when you're facing a big ordeal involving honesty, those quotes seem so meaningless... so far from reality. The complexity of making a choice between being telling the whole truth, telling half truth, and not telling the truth at all stabs your conscience and pierces your morals that you start to doubt your own character.

The truth always has consequences. Telling the entire truth can cause thousands of walls between two people, isolating them despite their closeness. It can hurt. Telling only half of what is true will lessen the pain, but it will never give you peace of mind. The guilt is there, and you can't hide that fact as time passes by. Not telling the truth at all will drive you insane. The added burden of keeping something to yourself will slowly eat your soul.

Any of the choices you make, you'll have to deal with its consequence. The question is, are you brave enough to make that choice?

Letting Go

2004-09-20T00:19:00.000-07:00

sometimes, when you've let go a person, you have every reason to doubt the decision you just made. you ask yourself, was it the right thing to do? is everything going to be alright after this? will i not regret this for the rest of my life? after such a heartbreaking tragedy, you find yourself caught in a bottomless pool of emptiness and loneliness that you can't seem to find the strength to breathe. the heavy burden of guilt, confunsion, and dillusions paralyze every inch of your body, such that smiling seems to be the most difficult thing to do. and you wonder: if i did the right thing, and what's right is supposed to make a person happy, then why am i the loneliest person in the world?

Mr. Right's Mr. Right

2004-09-15T00:17:00.000-07:00

Having conversations with my girl friends is probably one of the most fun thing to do. We get to talk about lots of stuff, anything and everything under the sun. Yesterday, we got the chance to talk about one of the most controversial topics of all time: men and gays. In fact, by the end of the day, we never got to reconcile the greatest nystery of all time. Why do gay men get the better half of the human race?

I mean, if you look around, not all men you pass by are stunning enough to turn your head instantly. In fact, I believe only a small percentage of the men I happen to see everyday are "worthy" enough to catch my attention (well, worthy when it comes to over-all physical appearance anyway). What disappoints me is not that I don't get to have my own beautiful face to have and to hold (yep, am still single and am quite depressed of my status). It's when i see the hands of those beautiful faces inter-locked with the hands of another beautiful face. Damn. Why do they always have to get the good guys?

We girls are having a hard time finding the one guy that will sweep us off our feet. But what do we see? Those guys that would have potentially been OUR prince charming are actually the princesses of another prince! Where's the justice in that? And now considering that the female species are practically dominating the global population, where do we get the assurance that we're actually going to find our The One? How can we find Mr. Right when he's already been found by his own Mr. Right? Why does Mr. Right have to be gay?

='(

Person Destroyer

2004-09-09T00:15:00.000-07:00

Today started out as any ordinary day did: the alarm clock trying to wake me up for the nth time, the cold wind embracing me to sleep, and the thought of having to work beckoning every inch of muscle in my legs to get up. Unfortunately, the endless wailing of the alarm clock compelled my legs to give in.

And so I got up, got dressed, got stuffed, and got ready to rumble with the pile of paperwork on my desk at the office. I held on tight as the jeepney swerved horrendously to avoid the speeding taxi ahead. I squeezed my fragile body inside the swarm of passengers trying not to be late inside the metro-star train. I even left a couple of coins to the street urchins who did nothing whole day but to beg for a few coins here and there (and I thought they must be either too lazy to not find a job, or too dumb to not think of finding a job). Until I finally found myself sitting on my chair (labeled "upuan ni Pats"), cleaning my desk, staring at the monitor, and waiting for Windows to load. Then I started doing my job. That was how my day has always been. Boring. Lifeless. Lonely.

Then suddenly something buzzed me. It was one of those privacy-stealing applications called messengers, prompting me to open a mail that somebody sent me just recently. Excitement overpowered me, knowing that somebody must have remembered me somewhere. And at that instant, I felt good.

But life can indeed slap you in the face when you least expect it. All the enthusiasm left me as I read each word of the email I received. After all, it's not everyday you learn that you're responsible for the loss of life, hope, love, and dreams of another person. I felt a huge lump in my head as I imagined a large label of "Person-Destroyer" come rushing towards me. I thought it hurt. I felt it hurt. I knew hurt.

For some weird reason, I couldn't remember what happened to me after that. I can't recall how I got through the day, how I managed to finish what I was supposed to do (frankly, I didn't accomplish anything at all), or who were the people I talked to during the remaining hours of the day. All I could think of was the feeling of guilt that haunted every neuron in my body, causing a chaotic chain reaction from my brain, to my senses, to my heart. Where was I? I wasn't really sure. I knew I was still at the office, but I felt I was somewhere different. How I wished at that very moment, I were soundly sleeping in my bed, with nothing to think of but with dreams to enjoy.

Thank God for the moon and the stars. I can finally go home, rest, free myself of the heavy feeling that's been a burden for the past few hours. On my way, I still held on tight as the jeepney made a sharp turn at the corner, trying to overtake another vehicle. I still rode the metro-star train, with other people who I thought were drained of all the energy in the world from a day's work. I still passed by the same beggars that were asking for a few coins this morning. I got home, got stuffed, and got ready for bed. Everything was still the same.

And yet, everything was different.

The Day The Earth Shook

2004-09-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

It was the most gruesome hour of the day. When after a hearty meal, a breath of fresh air outside the office, a warm conversation with friends, and a glimpse of the most beautiful face in the building, there's nothing better to do than to sit back, relax, close my eyes, and let my thoughts wander through another dimension. And yet, there's this tiny problem of evading my boss's vulture eyes that seemed to have locked me as its target. No matter how many tricks I've tried to hide the fact that I'm actually off to never-never land, his gaze seems to haunt my very presence.

I got desperate, sleep was overpowering me sooner than I had anticipated. I set my phone to alarm after ten minutes, and rested my head on my arms on the desk. I didn't care anymore if my boss caught me dozing off. I just couldn't resist the pleasure of having to sleep.

And just as I felt myself floating somewhere, I felt the ground roar in anger. I panicked, half-asleep, wondering what caused the commotion that made my officemates rush towards each other in fear. It almost felt as if it were the day the earth shook.

But it was nothing like that. Nahulog lang ako sa silya.